Knowing how to talk to a hoarder is not easy. It demands both compassion and tact.
Picture this.
Imagine visiting your dad for the first time in a while. You knock on the door, and he lets you in, but as you step inside, you’re taken aback. The living room is cluttered with stacks of newspapers, boxes piled high, and narrow pathways leading through a mess.
Every surface is covered with items – from old magazines to unopened packages and household items that seem to have no place. You notice a faint musty smell, and there’s hardly a spot to sit down. Your heart sinks as you realize that what you’re seeing are clear signs of hoarding.
Hoarding disorder (HD) is a challenging condition that affects not only the individuals who hoard but also their loved ones. This condition involves persistent difficulty in parting with possessions, regardless of their actual value, leading to clutter that disrupts living spaces. Understanding how to talk to a hoarder requires sensitivity, empathy, and knowledge. It’s about clearing the clutter, it’s also about addressing the underlying emotional and psychological issues that contribute to hoarding behaviour.
So, how do you talk to a hoarder? Starting a conversation about hoarding actually begins with refraining from certain comments or questions that can demean them or make them defensive. In this blog, we outline the ten things you should never say to a hoarder and why.
But first, we need to understand the term ‘hoarder’ and how it became mainstream.
The Media’s Impact on the Term ‘Hoarding’
Hoarding began to surface in the American media about fifteen years ago, but it hasn’t been widely recognized yet—not until A&E’s television show Hoarders debuted in 2009. It focused on extreme cases and generated big ratings and buzz.
Like any hot TV show or social media trend, people were divided—some were sympathetic and supportive, and others were not.
Over the next few years, the terms “hoarding” and “hoarders” became almost ubiquitous or desensitized because of overuse. A “hoarder” might now be incorrectly used to describe someone’s extensive, weird collection or a slightly messy teenager.
Mom might say, “Clean this bedroom up, you little hoarder,” or an annoyed sibling might remark, “OMG, Bridgette is hoarding all the good snacks and hiding them in her room!”.
There are other examples of this ‘desensitizing’ of mental illnesses as they gain awareness. “You’re so OCD” might be casually tossed at someone who likes their desk organized, or an uncle might remark, “Chill out, Mr. ADHD,” to their nephew who can’t sit still.
These light-hearted quips trivialize severe conditions.
So, you probably want to use caution and not throw the term ‘hoarder’ around. Right?
How Not to Talk to Someone Who is a Hoarder
Before tackling how to talk to a hoarder about their problem, we need to understand what not to say.
All right, so don’t call someone a hoarder unless they say it first. Got it.
What else shouldn’t you say when talking to someone with a hoarding problem?
1. Don’t ask, “Why don’t you just throw this stuff away?”
“Dad, what the heck, man! Why don’t you just throw this stuff away?” you blurt out, irritated.
Your pops looks down, his expression saddens you. “These things… they, they mean something to me,” he whispers.
How to talk to a loved one who hoards isn’t always easy. To someone without HD, it might seem simple to throw things away. However, hoarders often form strong emotional attachments to their possessions. These items may hold sentimental value, represent security, or serve as comfort. Instead of making them feel pressured, offer to help them sort through their items when they feel ready.
2. Never use the “H” word if someone is in denial”
Keep in mind that, especially in the early phases of hoarding, someone is often in denial about a potential issue. They’re thinking differently and possibly making excuses.
“I just haven’t gotten around to tidying up,” they might say, brushing off concerns with a wave of their hand. Or perhaps, with a slightly sharper tone, they argue, “I paid good money for it!”
They may not be in a mindset to confront the reality of the situation. Now would not be the time to ask, “Are you a hoarder?” or “Look at all this junk you’re hoarding.” Confronting them with, what might be perceived as a clinical diagnosis, is inappropriate.
By now, the term ‘hoarder’ is probably a trigger for them.
They would be perfectly justified in clapping right back if caught off guard, “Are you diagnosing me? Are you a world-renowned clinical psychiatrist?”
You hoped to start a conversation about hoarding. It wasn’t your intention to offend them, but here we are. This might end the conversation if they insist they aren’t hoarders and ‘…actually have no problem at all, thank you very much!’.
3. Don’t say, “Your house is disgusting.”
You say without thinking, “Dad, your house is disgusting.”
He winces, and his shoulders drop. “Uhh, I know it’s bad, but it’s not like I want it to be like this,” he murmurs.
Shaming language is not helpful and can be very damaging. Comments like these can hurt a hoarder’s self-esteem and reinforce feelings of guilt and isolation. So, how do you go about addressing a loved one’s hoarding disorder? Starting with a more supportive approach would be to express concern for their well-being and offer assistance in a kind and non-judgmental way. Oh, and never, ever use the term ‘Squalor.’
4. Try not to tell them, “You don’t need all this stuff.”
“You don’t need all this stuff, Dad,” you say.
He clutches a worn-out and broken baseball glove. “But these things… they’re part of my life,” he replies softly.
Telling a hoarder they don’t need their possessions minimizes their feelings and the significance these items hold. Hoarding isn’t about need but about complex emotions and anxieties. A better way to approach this is by understanding what each item means to them and working together to identify what they can let go of when they are ready.
5. Don’t reason by saying, “Can’t you see this is a problem?”
“Dad, ever since mom died… can’t you see this is a problem?” you ask.
He shrugs, avoiding eye contact. “I manage just fine,” he mutters defeatedly.
Hoarders may not recognize the extent of their problem, often due to denial or lack of insight. Simply pointing out the issue can cause defensiveness. Instead, gently encourage them to talk about their feelings and experiences. This can help them start to see the situation from a different perspective without feeling attacked.
6. Never embarrass someone with, “You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“You should be ashamed of yourself, Dad!” you scream harshly.
Your dad’s face flushes with embarrassment. “I can’t help it,” he says, voice trembling.
Guilt and shame are powerful emotions that can hinder recovery. Telling someone to be ashamed of their condition only adds to their distress and can worsen their hoarding behaviours. Focus on positive reinforcement when talking to a hoarder and celebrate small victories they make in managing their hoarding.
7. “You’re just being lazy” is just plain ignorant”
“C’mon. You’re just being lazy, Dad.”
Your dad looks hurt. “It’s not laziness, Son. It’s hard to explain,” he replies.
Hoarding disorder is not about laziness. It’s a mental health condition that involves significant psychological distress. Accusing a hoarder of laziness dismisses the serious nature of their disorder. Offer support and encouragement, recognizing that even small steps toward decluttering can be significant achievements.
8. “You’re wasting money on all this junk” won’t work
“You’re wasting money on all this junk, Dad,” you say bluntly.
He looks away, feeling judged. “I don’t see it that way,” he responds quietly.
Financial concerns are often a part of hoarding, but it’s important to address these issues with sensitivity. Labelling their possessions as “junk” can be hurtful. Instead, discuss financial worries in a way that focuses on planning and budgeting for future purchases. Help them understand the value of spending money on experiences or items that contribute to their well-being.
9. “Why can’t you be normal?” Isn’t helpful
You snap, “Why can’t you be normal, Dad?”
Your dad’s eyes fill with tears. “I wish I could, buddy,” he whispers.
This kind of statement stigmatizes mental health conditions and promotes a harmful view of what is considered “normal.” Hoarding disorder is a recognized medical condition, and those who suffer from it need compassion, not criticism. Promote acceptance when speaking to a hoarder and reassure them that they are not alone in their struggles.
10. “You’re endangering yourself and others” won’t register
“Dad, you’re endangering yourself with all this crap. Do you want to end up in a care facility?” you say with urgency.
Your dad looks confused and defensive. “I’m fine, really,” he insists.
Safety is a legitimate concern in homes affected by hoarding. However, talking to a hoarder in a way that induces panic or defensiveness can be counterproductive. Approach the topic by expressing your concern for their safety and well-being. Offer practical solutions, such as organizing specific areas first or getting professional hoarding services to ensure safety measures are met.
11. “I’ll just clean this up for you” will trigger them
“I’ll just clean this up for you, Dad.”
Your father takes a step back, feeling a loss of control. “No, I’ll do it myself,” he replies tersely.
While taking over and cleaning up might seem helpful, this approach can make a hoarder feel a loss of control and trust. Autonomy is crucial for their progress. Instead, suggest working together on the cleaning process. Respect their decisions and work at a pace they are comfortable with.
How to Talk to a Hoarder Compassionately
Shame plays a huge role in hoarding disorder, and it would serve you well not to trigger that emotion in a hoarder.
Remember, hoarding disorder is literally a clinical mental illness, so you might want to consider using gentler language to approach the subject.
- Collecting: Here, we are focusing on the idea of gathering items with a purpose.
Example: “I see you have an impressive collection here.” - Disorganization: Often, losing items is a trigger. Try to emphasize the lack of order rather than the quantity of items.
Example: “It looks like there’s some disorganization we can work on together.” - Storage issues: Highlighting the practical and relatable problem of a lack of space rather than someone’s personal failings can work wonders.
Example: “Let’s see if we can find better storage solutions for your items.” - Persistent mess: Try to address the ongoing clutter without sounding judgmental.
Example: “This persistent mess seems challenging. How can I help?” - Learning to organize: Always try to communicate positively and with intent. An educational approach to dealing with clutter will often work.
Example: “Maybe we can learn some new organizing techniques together.” - Lack of order: Hoarders often have trouble finding their belongings amongst the clutter. So speaking about structure in a neutral way can resonate with them.
Example: “It seems like there’s a lack of order here. Let’s see what we can do about it.” - Clutter problem: Clutter is a more friendly term–it’s still direct but far less stigmatizing than “hoarding.”
Example: “We need to address this clutter problem to make your home more comfortable.” - Accumulating items: The sheer build-up of possessions can be overwhelming and it’s hard to talk about them without negative connotations. But if you can, you’ll se a difference in how you’re message is received.
Example: “You’ve been accumulating items over the years. Let’s sort through them.” - Space management issues: You want to clearly point out the difficulties in using their space effectively.
Example: “It looks like there are some space management issues we can tackle.” - Overcrowded spaces: There’s just to much stuff in a particular room and it needs to be communicated in a gentle way.
Example: “These overcrowded spaces are hard to navigate. How can I assist?” - Organizational challenges: We want to empathize with the difficulties of keeping things organized.
Example: “I can see you’re facing some organizational challenges. Let’s work on this together.” - Excess belongings: Two, three, four coffee makers? How do you say ‘You don’t need four of these’ without implying fault.
Example: “You have a lot of excess belongings. How about we sort through them?” - Mess management: Progress with hoarding is about small steps, not a one-time fix.
Example: “Mess management can be tough. Let’s come up with a plan.” - Space utilization difficulties: Point out the struggle we all have with the useing space effectively without sounding pretentious.
Example: “There seems to be space utilization difficulties here. How can we improve this?”
Communication Strategies for Talking to a Hoarder
Communicating With a Hoarder: Final Thoughts
Using these less stigmatized terms will probably make it a little easier for you to get your point across, and for the other person to be open to some light constructive criticism.
We’ve provided some great ways of how to communicate with a hoarder above. Remember, instead of crassly calling the issue a hoarding problem, consider talking about clutter instead. It’s a less confrontational way to start the conversation about hoarding and will decrease anxiety.
For example, cognitive therapists sometimes call it “collecting” instead of hoarding. Doesn’t that sound a little softer?
Hoarding resources, like the visual Clutter Image Rating Scale and the ICD® Clutter–Hoarding Scale®, are incredibly helpful for you and someone who may be suffering from hoarding disorder. Sharing these tools, and using the tips in our guide above, can really open up dialogue that isn’t so defensive.
One final note: family dynamics can complicate things further. That’s why we’ve used the relationship between a father and son in the above hypothetical hoarding scenerios. It’s common for individuals to shift blame or enable hoarders in a home, and the dynamic can be frustrating, but patience and respect are key. Trust is paramount, so try to avoid pushing too hard (even though you may desperately want to) or using labels that might make the situation worse (hoarder, hoarding, messy, gross, dirty, etc.)
Best of luck talking to someone with a hoarding problem. Please reach out if you have any questions or need more support! We can also offer our hoarding cleanup services in Toronto and Hamilton if you want the matter handled by experts.
